Saturday, 15 October 2011

Fool's Gold

Now and again at car boot sales, whilst rummaging elbow deep in crates of crappy junk, I come across something particularly special. At the same time as being higher than any conceivable value, it is also utterly worthless. Yes, it's the dodgy knock-off. There's a plethora of shitty fake Power Rangers and wannabe Batman toys, but the following are some of the best/worst I have managed to obtain.

Dodgy army Superman

This guy is a treat. There's no date or info anywhere on him, but it's fairly obvious he's a repainted/remoulded G.I. Joe. The plastic is kind of brittle and discoloured in places, and a bit rough. They didn't worry about ditching the pouches on his trousers or even the combat knife! And his hair looks strange for a reason. I'm pretty sure the original would have had a hat or helmet glued on, so luckily for us, the (re)designers were artistic enough to simply paint some realistic hair on. I have to say, I'm impressed with the 'S' decal on his chest. Not sure if he was supposed to come with a cape, I doubt it, although wouldn't be surprised if he was originally packaged with an assault rifle.

 Crappy factor 4/5
Amusement factor 4/5 
 WTF factor 4/5

Dodgy weird manga/robot Batman and Robin

These guys measure about 4cm and are fully non-poseable. I actually found the 'Batman' a year or two before the 'Robin'. When I plucked him from a box, along with a couple of Star Wars weapons and a Dinobot sword, the seller actually laughed at me, insisting I just take the small pile of coloured tat out of his sight. His loss, my gain! The fake Robin was in amongst another pile of misc., and I was pretty happy to find him. No idea what they are, the similarities between them and Batman & Robin are few, but enough. I don't think these guys are super-rare, I've seen them since, but still quite chucklesome.

Crappy factor 3/5
Amusement factor 5/5 
WTF factor 3/5

 Dodgy Aryan He-Man

Alright, first of all I have to tell you I am not a Nazi. Now that's cleared up I can share this oddity. So this 'He-Man' figure is probably about half the height of the original figure. He's badly moulded out of really crappy plastic and even his muscles have muscles. His face still has that sort of desperately constipated look of the original, but it's terribly painted. You may have noticed his chestplate. Yeah, it's a swastika alright. Now, considering where this was made (presumably East), the swastika is even now, used as a symbol of wealth and good fortune. Sadly, over in the West, we are more likely to associate it with Hitler and his Nazi party. If the ideal of Aryan warriors was the blonde, blue-eyed He-man, this guy is not far off. It's just the sort of crappy toy you'd buy in a newsagents or win at the funfair. Then make a big fuss about it in the local newspaper.

Crappy Factor 5/5
Amusement Factor 1/5 
WTF factor 6/5 

So keep your eyes peeled for crap like this, it will give you a greater appreciation for 'true' action figures, thus making you a better person.


  1. 'His face still has that sort of desperately constipated look of the original'


    The legs are laughably our of proportion. Oh dear.

  2. That Batman looks a bit like a cyborg Mickey Mouse.
    Entirely appropriate for He-Man to wear a swastika.